This is why I am in therapy.
He asked me about my faith, about Jesus and I softened. I explained my religious inheritance. I mentioned my bond, my love. I spoke of the community that I needed and a version of it I had found.
Then he asked me about my work. My posture changed while I took a voluminous inhale, I paused. All this frenetic energy blew into the room and suctioned to the walls, to the floor, to me.
It makes me anxious, I said. There's so much to do and so much to know and I often find myself at once completely ambitious and utterly paralyzed all at once and I feel as though i'm not doing enough and it's, it's stressful. I paused.
I had never noticed it before. But He did.
He said, you speak of your faith so naturally, with such certainty.
I said, "But isn't that funny though? I never had this period of my life where I entertained Buddhism or Mormonism or Hinduism, I just, Jesus Christ was it for me and I never wanted to leave His room. But I'm the same way with what I wear. I walk into a store, I like this, I buy it. I don't question if I can pull it off or if I should wear the colour, I know I like it, it sits right with me and that's that.
There are some things in my life that I just know it when I see it, something shifts in my gut. I am not crippled by indecision. I don't question it. I don't care what people think.
I just run.
And then there are others, he said. When we talk about relationships or your work, your body language changes, your eyes, your voice, your notions and opinions of it all rise in your body and most everything comes from your head. Your intuition is no longer involved.
It has been in the past, and you know those times, you can tell when you were deciding from you gut, but your over-ruling, everyday posture towards those things is from your head.
Start taking the gut and intuition you use in your faith and let it bleed into the areas where your head dictates.
Shoot from your gut, Dani.
You know what you're doing, you know what sits right, you know what is unquestionably and unmistakably you.